Friday, February 5, 2010

Where does it go?

Lately I have been thinking a lot about time. It's crazy! You spend your entire life gearing up for a single event- your birthdays, baptism, going to high school, graduating, getting married, etc. Then all of a sudden the day is past, and you are years ahead, looking back trying desperately to remember the details of the day. I remember being so excited to finally get in high school. The day couldn't come soon enough. I know this is a corny cliche, but it really feels like a week ago when I started my life BHS, but I am happy to say that I have changed a LOT since then, and I wouldn't trade my experiences since then for anything in the world. The thing that has brought this on the most is thinking about my amazing Grandma Clark.

As I have grown up, I've always considered her to be invincible. I had my first major dose of reality in regards to Grandma about a year ago when she tripped over a high chair in California and injured her pelvis and shoulder. Since that time, she has been diagnosed with and treated for ovarian cancer (which included both surgery and radiation), received shoulder surgery (which had some pretty serious complications, resulting in her admittance into the ICU), diagnosed with lung cancer, which then turned out to be in her brain, and ultimately was given just weeks to live. Every day she is getting weaker and weaker and she has only days left- if that. Now, I know I shouldn't be sad. Once she dies she'll be free from her pain and will finally be reunited with her husband and her little boy. But I can't help but be a little stunned. Back in January of last year, I had come to accept the idea of her passing. I was in Florida at the time and I even told my managers at Disney that I may have to take temporary, possibly even permanent, leave for her funeral. But then she pulled through in California and went home to Springville, and, in spite of the oxygen she was now constantly wearing, I allowed myself to believe again that she was invincible. Then came her diagnosis with cancer, and she seemingly pulled through again! Then her stay in the ICU, where once again, she pulled through.

All year long I have had to keep preparing myself for the possibility of her death, but then pulled back into an imaginary dream world where it looked like Grandma would be around for a while. But this time, she's not going to recover. And it, for whatever reason, is so hard for me to accept. I can't imagine a world without Carol in it. It's crazy to me to think that next time I'm in her house, she won't be upstairs at the crack of dawn making Belgian waffles. I am never going to have another opportunity to hear her read the Polar Express on Christmas Eve. I just can't imagine being without her. I love her so much and I am greatly going to miss her, and the love that she gives everyone she comes in contact with. But I know I'll see her again, and personally believe that she will always be present when her loved ones need her. Her spirit may be leaving this earth, but there is something that is NEVER going to change. It's something that has always been, and something that my mom and I promised her when we said goodbye for the last time- to love her the mostest forever and ever! And I know that she will continue to love her family the mostest forever, too!


Tiffany said...

Why is it that you, Taralyn, and Mom always somehow are able to say the exact things I am thinking but just can't put into words?!?

Grandma has always seemed invincible to me too. It is sad to watch her be in so much pain. It is sad because we will miss her horribly, BUT we are so lucky to KNOW that we will see her again and that she will have such a happy reunion with Grandpa and Uncle Richard and her Momma and Daddy!

Thank you for writing such a wonderful post about Grandma! Don't worry though because her waffle recipe lives on and I have mastered it. If you want a Gma waffle come to my house. :)

Taralyn said...

Amen! And I'll learn how to make waffles just for you. :)